Unmasking the Hidden Hurt: Eva Levina on Recognizing Emotional Abuse

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Livin' the Dream on the Po with Curveball. If you believe, you pull a pool. Welcome to the Livin' the Dream with Curve Ball Podcast. A show where I interview guests that teach, motivate, and inspire. Today's guest is Eva Lavena. She is the author of the memoir series Death is No Reason to Stop Living. There was no black eyes, there was no uh you know, physical injuries, the abuse was covert and now you know you know they were subtle. And she once she left the relationship after a brutal discord, she turned to writing. So we're going to be talking to her, and uh the goal of this uh show is to be helping people who's going through covert abuse and uh you know how to recognize the signs and what to do about it. So, Eva, welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_01 1:11

Thank you, Curtis. I really am grateful for you allowing me to be on your podcast and um hopefully we'll be able to help people.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

Why don't you start off by telling everybody a little bit about yourself?

SPEAKER_01 1:29

I am Eva Levina. I was born in Ukraine. I moved to the United States in 1979. Um now I am living my best life in Carolinas, and um I am writing books. I'm doing everything that I haven't been able to do calmly and quietly when I was married. I sing, I dance, I I play piano, I write books, as I said already, I see the people that I want to see, I see friends, I I befriend people that I want to be my friends. Um, and um I'm absolutely happy and content with everything that's going on in my life right now.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

So talk about what first made you realize that you were in an emotionally abusive relationship.

SPEAKER_01 2:29

That's the point. I didn't realize it until it was too late. The covert emotional abuse is so subtle, and usually it's covered by um pretentious love or pretentious care or pretentious, it could be anything, it could be anything, and when you are in this type of relationship and somebody every day tells you, I love you, but I love you, I'll do anything for you, I'll take care of you, we're gonna be together forever. All those promises, and especially in my case, 25 years of marriage, I truly believe that eventually he'll change, he'll grow out of this phase. Um he's gonna do this for me because he loves me. But reality was not that beautiful. So recognizing emotional, covert emotional abuse is extremely difficult. I realized it only several months after the breakup that I was emotionally abused and how severe it was.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

Well, talk about how covert emotional abuse is different than physical abuse.

SPEAKER_01 4:09

Physical abuse shows scars and bruises. Physical abuse is something nobody should allow in their lives. Um but you can go to the police, you can show the bruise, you can't show broken bones, you can show scratches or scars or whatever is left on your body, you can show it. And the thing is that physical abuse heals. Once the scar is healed, once the bruise is disappearing, you forget what happens during the abuse, emotional abuse, it's completely different animal. It's in my case, and in a lot of people's cases that I had spoken with, it's um criticism, it's constant blame, it's um something, a very trendy word, gaslighting is when at this point, at some point in your life, you feel like you're going out of your mind. Because no matter what your memories are, and you're absolutely sure that your memories are correct of an event or a conversation or a part of your life or of whatever happened, it's completely dismissed by your partner, and your partner is trying to convince you that that's now how it happened, or that you forgot what's wrong with your memory. You you you just whisted the situation, that's not what I wanted to say. I didn't want to hurt your feelings, I don't know why I said that, I don't know why I did it, and the person, your partner, never takes responsibilities for what he did, he's incapable or she isn't capable of taking responsibilities. Whatever happens, even emotional abuse, it's always your fault. Just like physical abuse, it's usually always your fault. Because whoever is the abuser always say, You made me do this. It's your behavior that sparked this um rage in me. Um that's the difference.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

Well, why do you feel like intelligent, successful people stay in abusive relationships?

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Oh, that's um a paradigm, actually. Um successful, intelligent people, it's not only success or intelligence that matter. What matters is that people who achieved something in their life, either a great position or a business or successful in whatever they're doing, are very strong. They have very high self-esteem. And the purpose of our abusers is to break it down with constant covert control, constant criticism and blame, so you lose yourself, and that's how they feel better than you. So, in my case, and I am a pretty strong woman, as I found out. Um I always thought that he came to me as a victim. My ex-husband came to me as a victim. Uh, he was the victim of the poor childhood. His mother didn't make enough money, he never knew his father. He grew up with just one mother, and he had a boyfriend, and the boyfriend was abusive and didn't like him and didn't allow him things. He never had flowers that other people had, and other people would pick on him, the kids in school bully him, and he was never able to do sports because somebody said he is not capable of, and he didn't have money to go into sports, and his teachers were abusing him, and his co-workers were abusing him, and women didn't want to go out with him because he was poor. I mean, he was a real victim of his life, and I grew up with a wonderful mother and a father I thought at the time. I had a full family, I had a good childhood, my father loved me. Um, I was in music school, I had nice clothes and food on the table always, and my mother always said, Oh, you're strong, you can do whatever you set your mind to. And I felt I can do it for both of us. I am strong, I can give him what he never had. And that's the trap that smart, intelligent people, successful people fall into. It's a real trap. In the reality, you can't fix them, you can't help them, you can't fix anybody but yourself, and they need to want to fix themselves. It's not your job to fix anybody, it's not your job to give anybody a better future, it's their job, and it's a lost cause, and in the end, you feel so broken that so dependable on your abuser that you don't even believe anymore that you're strong and intelligent and successful, you just feel like you're nobody. I felt like I'm that old chair in the corner. It's still in the house because it's old, nice memories, but nobody wants to sit in it anymore because it's old and broken. That's how I felt. That's how a lot of intelligent people feel.

SPEAKER_00 12:20

Well, what are the biggest warning signs of gaslighting that people often miss?

SPEAKER_01 12:26

Somebody is always contradicting your memories. That's the most important thing. In the conversation, they say something to hurt your feelings. That's just a small example that I'll give you in my case. We're sitting at the table with our friends, and we start a conversation. And my ex used to say, Oh, Eva will answer that, she knows all about it. And I would answer, and she'd interrupt me in about two seconds and say, That's a that's not how it is, you don't know what you're talking about. That's whatever. You're you're just not and find an excuse, and then it would be 45 minutes of his monologue on the subject, and that was done on purpose to put me down. And I would say, Well, why did you interrupt me? I know things about it, about Soviet Union, for example, or about World War II, or whatever the subject is, and she'd say, Oh, I never did that. What do you mean you never did that? I have witnesses, people are sitting there, and nobody will notice it. That's the worst part, is nobody noticed. I was the only one. No, no, you took it wrong, you're very sensitive. Those are the main signs of gaslighting, is when somebody says you're too sensitive, you're taking it wrong, you have bad memories, that never happened, and you're sitting there and thinking to yourself, I might be crazy because I remember it this way, and he says it's a different way. And um some point I told my ex-husband, I said, I'm not speaking to you anymore, I'm writing everything down. Every conversation will be written because every time I say something, you try to change my mind. I am not crazy. Well, you're probably getting old and you have bad memories, and uh, those are the signs of deathlighting is when somebody is trying to make you feel crazy.

SPEAKER_00 14:43

Well, what advice would you give someone who expects that they're going through a covert abusive relationship?

SPEAKER_01 14:51

Run as fast as you can. Run prepare. If it's a marriage and you realize it's going to be a divorce, um you have to document everything that's happening, every conversation, if you can videotape it and have proof that that's what your ex is doing, he is or she is um gaslighting you or criticizing you. I didn't do any of it. I wasn't smart enough to learn about my abuser. But if you have the opportunity to do that, then videotape and then run. Have evidence and run. Get a good lawyer, get a good therapist, and free yourself from the abuser.

SPEAKER_00 15:51

Well, talk to the listeners about your memoir series, you know. Kind of tell us uh what we can expect when we read it and where we can get it.

SPEAKER_01 16:01

Yes, um, my memoirs are available on Amazon. That is no reason to stop living. I have a website, um eva livinabooks.com. It has a link to my memoirs, it has a link to the coaching sessions, it has information about me. Uh, my books, my books, um, the first book is 25 years of emotional abuse. I write, I wrote down um main episodes of covert emotional abuse with that I couldn't figure out why he is doing what he is doing, didn't feel right, but every time he'd apologized, oh I'm sorry, kitten, I'm never gonna do this again. And two weeks later, it would come back with the vengeance. Um, it talks about how I got out of my marriage. I actually had a cardiac arrest, and I was in the hospital in a coma for several days. I couldn't breathe, and my ex-husband abandoned me. Uh that's why I say get out because it happens a lot. Um, and um uh my ex-husband, he um he filed a restraining order against me on lies. It was a kakamimi thing. I lost my house, I lost everything for a while. Um, how the judges eat out of the hands of our abusers because we don't have enough evidence to prove that they're lying, and there were a lot of lies on his part. And the second book is about four years of rebuilding, redesigning myself, relearning who I am, because at that point, when I left the hospital and I ended up all alone in a different state without anything that I had worked for for 25 years, I didn't know who I was, I was broken, and um I didn't know how to put myself together. It's it speaks about the strength, the resilience, the fantastic mental health professionals that I had um met in my journey, about learning everything I could find about covert emotional abuse and mental abuse, uh, how I realized what was the issue with my ex-husband. And at some point, I realized that um if God would want me to die in that emergency room, I would have been dead. But after 20 minutes, God brought me back. I was dead for 20 minutes, and the doctors worked on me. God brought me back, and it's not for nothing. I have a purpose, and my purpose is to show people who are in abusive relationships, whether it's mental, emotional abuse, physical abuse, or both, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that those little signs are recognizable, that you never ever give up on yourself. You find yourself, even if it takes you a year or two years, it's okay, but don't stop living. There's no reason for anybody to stop living just because our ex-abusers have stumped us into the ground at some point. That's what the second book is about. About the light at the end of the tunnel and a lot of explanations of um emotional abuse. As I was finding out, I wrote it all down.

SPEAKER_00 20:44

Well, tell us about any upcoming projects that you're working on that listeners need to be aware of.

SPEAKER_01 20:50

I have two more books that I have been working on. One book called Fault Lines Beneath Her, and that's another story of now both mentally and physically abusive relationship and a happy end. And another book, it's funny, but my kids put me on dating sites right away, and I started dating. I dated a lot of men, a lot of men, because my daughter-in-law said, Oh, you gotta try this, and you gotta try that, and you gotta try this, and and um I wrote a book or writing still a book that's called 251 First Dates, and that is my journey in learning about myself, what I'm looking for, and as I was evolving in my transformation as a person, as a human being, as a woman, how my preference, dating preferences change. Um, and today, men that I am dating are completely different from what it was before. I can see those little red flags a mile away, and that's why I have a lot of first dates, most likely 251. So those are my next projects as of right now. It takes a lot to put out a book before it goes into publishing, and there is a lot of steps. Um, it's a process, but I'm really hoping to finish at least one by the end of the year and publish. One more.

SPEAKER_00 22:47

Well, so people can keep up with everything that you're up to, they'll add your contact info.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

My contact info is evalevinabooks.com. That's my website. Um, it has my email, it lists all my books, it lists, as I said, I'm doing coaching sessions, not for couples, not the therapy, but for those of you who are not sure if the little signs that you See are the signs of covert emotional abuse. Um, it's visible from outside a lot better than it is from the inside. So my email, contact information, um, there's a contact form, email address, everything is on that website, evainabooks.com. And all my new projects as they come out, as they're published and printed, are going to be added to that website.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

Well, close us out with some final thoughts, maybe if there was something I forgot to talk about that you would like to touch on any final thoughts you have for the listeners.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

Yes, absolutely. The last thought that I always say, and it's too bad I can't show the cover of my second book. I'm just gonna explain it. Uh the cover is a heart which broke into a million pieces, and there's um two hands that are putting those pieces together, and this is a process that's gonna take me for the rest of my life to heal my heart, to heal my soul, and that's okay. People die physically, I died physically, people die mentally and emotionally, but none of it is the reason to stop leaving. You got to rebuild and rebuild for the rest of your life, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 24:58

All right, ladies. All right, ladies and gentlemen, Eva Levinabooks.com. Please check out that website and share it to everybody that you know, especially uh people that you suspect or they might be going through a covert abusive relationship. They need your help, and and Eva has some uh information that could save people's lives out there. So make sure you uh check out the memoir series and pick up the book and uh support everything that she's got coming up. Also, I would like you to support the Living the Dream with Curveball Podcast and keep up with everything that we're doing and follow rate review. You can visit www.curveball337.com for more information. And if you haven't done so, please sign up for the newsletter so you can keep up with everything going on so you can know when every episode is gonna be released. I've been releasing a lot of bonus episodes lately to get this content out to you guys because it's very important. Thank you for listening and supporting the show. And Eva, thank you for all that you do, and thank you for joining me.

SPEAKER_01 26:14

Thank you so much for having me. I truly appreciate it. And if we helped one person today, we've done our job right.

SPEAKER_00 26:22

For more information on the Living the Dream with Curveball Podcast, visit www.curveball337.com. Until next time, keep living the dream.