From Roommates to Soulmates: Joey Payne's Guide to Rekindling Love

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Living the Dream on the King with Curveball. If you believe, you can agree. Welcome to the Live in the Dream with Curveball podcast. A show where I interview guests that teach, motivate, and inspire. Today's guest is Joey Payne. Joey is a licensed family and marriage therapist and couples coach who specializes in helping couples reconnect and rediscover intimacy. She also has a background in trauma recovery and she wants to help couples stop just functioning and living like roommates. And she wants to help them not just survive life but prepare to find that spark again for the next 20 years or more. So we're going to be talking to Joey about how she's helping couples do that and everything that she's up to and gonna be up to. So Joey, thank you for joining me.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Thank you so much for having me, Curtis. I really looked forward to this today.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Why don't you start off by telling everybody a little bit about yourself?

SPEAKER_01 1:24

Okay. So I am actually from Utah. I've been married for 31 years. I have four children. I have one grandchild. And I actually, before I dived into the world of therapy and coaching, I was a hairstylist for over 20 years. And I felt like I was doing therapy behind the chair. So I decided to go back to school and make it official. So now I am a marriage and family therapist, like you said, and I've worked with many couples over the years where I've seen relationships across the spectrum of distress. And it was really not a single explosion that caught my attention, but it was more like a quiet pattern that I kept seeing over and over. And so whether it was maybe family, friends, neighbors, or clients on my couch, I started noticing this universal trend that couples don't wake up wanting a divorce overnight. There's a slow, years-long drift that happens first, which I call the roommate phase. And I realized that the roommate phase isn't the end of the road. So I'd say my mission is to help couples hear that warning signal and take action while there's still a beautiful foundation to build on. Because I think a lot of couples do end up in this phase and they don't even know that they're in it, or if they do know, they don't know how to get out. And I and I always think silence in a marriage isn't peace. It's usually the sound of two people drifting apart without noticing. And that is why I created a free marriage drift audit. And I can elaborate on this a little bit.com. So this is just five simple questions that act as an early warning checkup for your relationship connection. So listeners can ask themselves these questions right now as I give you a few examples. Are you talking more about your kids' schedules than your own plans and dreams? Does physical intimacy feel like just another to-do item on your checklist? Have you gone weeks without a deep belly laugh together? So if you're nodding your head, you aren't falling out of love. You're actually experiencing relationship drift. And the audit shows you where you're drifting. And my 12-week program gives you the exact skills to build your way back.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Speaking of that 12 uh week program, the uh relationship revival blueprint. So talk about uh why why is it 12 weeks and what's the first step of that program?

SPEAKER_01 4:36

Yes, that's that's a great question too. So um when we we talked a minute ago about discovering this trend, and that really did lead me to create this 12-week program that I call the relationship Revival Blueprint, and it's designed to help couples go from disconnection to deconnection. So within the program, one of the first places we start, I've divided it into three phases. So weeks one through four, we begin by identifying negative patterns, we help get the partners on the same page and really start the healing. And then into phase two, that's five weeks five through eight, that's where we really start working. We move into resolving conflict and rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy. And then in phase three, that's really the future proofing. So we our journey is going to be completed by defining couple goals, designing a shared vision, and sustaining growth without a coach. So when couples are in the roommate phase, they're handling things together logistically, you know, like good business partners, but they're missing that deep connection they once had. And what I really want for couples is to instill hope that they can have a thriving relationship right now and for the rest of their life.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

Well, for couples who feel like they're just managing a household instead of living living a dream, what is uh one piece of homework that they they can uh start doing tonight to try to be re reverse that?

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Yeah, well, I think um one of the things that I would say, hey, here's something you could do tonight is to take 10 minutes together. So no phones, no distractions. You're you're going to just have the attention of your partner and vice versa. And your your the rules are you can't talk about kids, you can't talk about schedules, the house. Um, the only thing you can talk about is you. And so for 10 minutes, you're just going to focus on each other. And I would say, here, here's a good piece of homework you could start tonight. And then obviously I would say, hey, go um check out the free five-question marriage drift audit. It takes two minutes, it's totally private. And if you heard yourself in some of those audit questions today, you know, don't wait for the drift to get wider. You can go to my website and and do that. And then you can also see how the 12-week couples coaching program can bridge that gap and help you to start living your dream partnership.

SPEAKER_00 7:23

Talk about uh how unresolved trauma can quietly impact the emotional and uh intimacy in a marriage.

SPEAKER_01 7:35

Oh, that's such a good question. And something that I don't I don't know very many people really recognize in their relationship. But when we have unresolved trauma, that is a response that's going to show up in our daily behavior patterns, even without us knowing it. And we might not even recognize it, but that can be such a hindrance in intimacy, you know, really being known. That's what true intimacy is. And we don't, we don't necessarily want our partners to see those, those dark places or those places that are so painful. And oftentimes we don't recognize ourselves why we're behaving this way when we've had a traumatic experience. And so with that, I would say it's so important to seek help, right, from someone that that works with trauma and help you to move past that, to process that, to do what you need to do to heal. And then when you're healed healed, of course, you can show up the way you want to in a relationship. And you know, there's enough hurdles just in life in a relationship. So we want to remove as many as we can.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

What are some of the biggest mistakes that couples make trying to reconnect after years of emotional distance?

SPEAKER_01 8:59

Oof. The years of emotional distance can can really take a toll on the relationship. Oftentimes we have a lot of resentment build up. Um, I think one of the problems I see a lot is making assumptions about our partner. Generally, I'll say negative assumptions. You know, we think we already know our partner, we know what they're gonna say, maybe we've gone through these negative cycles over and over and over, and and that's so discouraging. And so we then we just assume he'll just say this or she will just do that. And and so we already start out feeling disconnected because we don't, you know, we don't have a positive assumption about our person, and that can be really hard. That's something that I really do like to focus on, like as I mentioned, and in this 12-week program is we work on those assumptions and we work on identifying these negative cycles so that we can stop right there in the middle of the cycle and you know, do it different.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

Well, for us couples who feel disconnected but still love each other, where should they begin when trying to rebuild a relationship?

SPEAKER_01 10:16

I think you you're really ahead of the game if you are noticing that, hey, we've reached this disconnection stage and and I want to get back to a loving relationship, right there. I feel like you're you're you're doing great. So at that point, that's where you know some of the the things that we've talked about today. Hey, if you're noticing you're in this drift, this marriage drift, you know, what can we do about that? Um, can we invest some time into our relationship? For example, if you're willing to invest for the 12 weeks that we talked about in this program, that's like less than 1% of your life. And are you willing to invest just that amount to have your dividends would pay off for the next 40 years? You know, are you willing to really uh change some things, change some things in yourself and and help your partner to change some things as well is and investing that tiny fraction can completely rewrite the next 40 years of your marriage. And I think that's what's um something that's so cool about your podcast. You know, you talk about living the dream and um really your relationship is the foundation of your dream life. And if that foundation is shaking, success everywhere else feels hollow. But I love that phrase that you use, living the dream. Like one of the beauties is that it means something different to every person. And, you know, for me, living the dream means not only a thriving marriage of my own, but helping others achieve that for themselves. And I think that a society of strong marriages would indeed be living the dream.

SPEAKER_00 11:55

Talk about what role communication plays when trying to revive attraction and emotional safety between partners.

SPEAKER_01 12:03

Yeah. Um, communication gets a lot of chat out there because I think we know that communication is so much more than words. Uh, would you agree? You sometimes you can hear an inflection in someone's voice, and you you get a lot of communication from that. And so with a couple that is struggling maybe with intimacy, I think that's a part of that learning how to communicate deeply, where you're hearing your partner's true needs and you're you're you're really listening. You know, sometimes people just really don't listen. What we're really doing is waiting to respond to someone else. And and that kind of communication is so hard because if you're not, if you're listening to to say what you want to say, you might be missing out on all of that unspoken communication that your partner is offering. Like, you know, if if you've had a bad day, but your partner doesn't know that, and you know, you're you're really trying to maybe pass on some of those things but don't have the words to say it, that's where it's so important to be in tune with your partner's communication and mastering that deep communication as part of of the program that I do so that you know you can pay attention to that. You can pick up on the cues that your partner is giving that might not have words, or you can you know start to notice things that are going to help you be a better communicator and a better partner.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

Talk about how couples can renegotiate their their relationship after uh kids and career building and you know life transitions. Major life transitions.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

Those major life transitions, you know, it's it's like you you go through what I'm gonna call it like an uphill battle. You it's so good, you're so glad that you've got kids and you work so hard on your career, and you've just you've made it, you think you've made it. And I think that's because we put so much focus on those things that sometimes the relationship really does take a backseat to that. And so then you find yourself there, and you know, a lot of people, their kids are moving on and their careers are actually going really well, and then suddenly they look around and there's their partner, and they're like, wait, now, now who are you again? And so I think that's um something to remember is hey, your your partner actually is not the same person that you married. They're you know, we're all growing all the time, and so uh that's where I would say is a good place to start. If you found yourself in this space that we're talking about, maybe really take it another look at your partner and start being really curious about who they are today. Do you actually know what their dreams are? Do you know what they want to do in the next 10 years? Do you know what's the hardest thing that's happened to them in this last month? And then, you know, really being able to reconnect that way is something you can do to bridge that gap, to really, you know, kind of get your your relationship back up to where you'd like it to be.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

Wow. Tell us about any upcoming projects that you're working on that listeners need to be aware of.

SPEAKER_01 15:37

Well, I am excited to offer a beta group of this new program, the Relationship Revival Blueprint. And it will be a small cohort. I want to work with just six couples to really um just have them have a great experience. And we're looking at also maybe starting a podcast. Um, you're you're an inspiration, Curtis. So looking at maybe doing a podcast um around obviously relationships and couples and and money, things like that. So those are some things I'm really looking forward to.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

Well, after working with with so many couples, uh, what what gives you the most hope about long-term love?

SPEAKER_01 16:20

Oh, what a good question. So I know sometimes you are, you know, you got this beautiful question that you'll you'll ask some of your guests like, what is the song inside of you that the world needs to hear? Which I I just love. Um, and I and my answer to that would be like a deeply connected and intimate marriage is is what our soul craves. I think every day that we work towards that goal, we gain more love, grace, patience for our partner and ourselves. And when we choose to put our energy and effort into something as meaningful as a long-term committed marriage, we're affecting positive change into every person we meet, you know, into the very community and world that we live in.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

Well, we know your website, joeypaincoaching.com. So close us out with some final thoughts. Maybe if that was something I forgot to talk about that you would like to touch on, or any final thoughts you have for the listeners.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Yeah. Well, I I think um another another part of I actually wanted to ask you a question about the curveball. You know, sometimes you'll ask people about curveballs that they faced. And I I wondered where did you come up with that question specifically? And um, what what does the curveball mean to you?

SPEAKER_00 17:44

Well, I have a best friend named Sean Davis, and since I'm a hip-hop artist in uh Journey High, somewhere around that time, he gave me that name because I was trying to come up with some names. And so so, since it was so important to me and he gave it to me, it stuck with me, and I try to use it every chance I get.

SPEAKER_01 18:02

I love it. I love it. As I was thinking about it, I I was kind of thinking, well, so what are some curveballs that come up in my own business? You know, what are things that that come at me that that can be kind of hard sometimes? And I think one of them, one of the most common hurdles I think for people is I'll have a client that their partner really doesn't want to make any effort to show up in the relationship. They don't really want to change. And the and the partner that I'm seeing is really wanting to reconnect. So I think I want to speak directly to anyone listening who feels like alone in this, like maybe they feel like this too. You do not need two people to start changing a marriage. You know, I've coached many individuals whose partners completely refuse to show up, yet we still created massive, lasting success stories. And here's why marriage is like a dance. If one person completely changes their steps, the other person cannot keep dancing the old way without tripping. They're forced to adjust. And I've actually experienced this personally as the partner not willing to work on the marriage. Now, my husband, this is years ago, but my husband made a decision to start showing up differently. And even when I didn't always respond the way he might have hoped, he just kept showing up and making effort. And it didn't take too long for me to see the work he was putting in, which made me show up differently too. I mean, think about it. If your partner suddenly stops the old transactional routine and starts making sincere, loving efforts to connect with you, showing real compassionate curiosity about your world, how could you possibly stay completely unchanged? And so when you stop playing the roommate role, the dynamic shifts. And you can absolutely be the catalyst that saves your marriage. And and conflict is growth trying to happen. It's really not the end of love.

SPEAKER_00 20:08

All right, ladies and gentlemen. So uh if you know of any couples out there or you yourself might be uh struggling trying to rebuild that connection, check out uh Joey PainCoaching.com website. You know, do that do that five question audit if you need to check out her 12-week program, check out everything she's up to, follow rate review, share this episode to everybody you know, share that website to everybody you know. Also share this show and www.curveball337.com to everybody you know as well. And uh jump on there and check out the site if you haven't already done so. Thank you for listening and supporting the show. And Joey, thank you for all that you're doing, uh helping cup couples reconnect and discover you know what they had in the beginning. And thank you for joining me.

SPEAKER_01 21:00

Thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

For more information on the Living the Dream with Curveball podcast, visit www.curveball337.com. Until next time, keep living the dream.