Love Unlocked: Belle Gayer's Journey from Heartbreak to Healing

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Living the Dream Podcast with Curveball. If you believe, you can achieve. Welcome to the Living the Dream with Curveball Podcast. A show where I interview guests that teach, motivate, and inspire. Today's guest is someone who has real-world experiences on love, commitment, and relationships. After more than five decades with her beloved partner, Bail Gare, witness the beauty of love and also what happens when relationships fall apart. So she turned her loss into helping others. She has written a book called Our Relationships for Suckers, and she has reached millions through her writing. So I am excited to hear her insights on love, commitment, and relationships. So, Belle, thank you for joining me.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

My pleasure, Curtis.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Why don't you start off by telling everybody a little bit about yourself?

SPEAKER_02 1:11

Well, I'm 75 now, and I decided seven years ago that there was so much disconnection and heartbreak and unnecessary pain that people were hurting themselves with. Divorce, the divorce rate rising, uh because people don't understand how love really works, romantic love, and probably all kinds of love, actually. And they they needed um help. So I said, you know, my husband and I, we figured it out. It took us a while. We did it wrong too. We jumped in. We got married four months after we met. We jumped right in and had we made all the mistakes, basically, that people make, but we figured it out. So I said, you know, I've got to share that. So um I didn't quite know how to write it, and I wrote for seven years on Quara answering questions. So that helped me a lot. And you know, after six months, it's all the same questions, pretty much. People have the same problems, the same issues, pretty much, you know, except for a few sexual strange things. But otherwise, it it was quite an adventure, and I just decided when I was getting creeping up on 75, if I don't do it now, I better get that book out. So that's that's where I am right now.

SPEAKER_00 2:28

What do you feel like is the big biggest misconception people have about relationships today?

SPEAKER_02 2:34

I think people uh people are brainwashed by the idea of true love and the one, which is a bunch of nonsense. Yeah, that's the biggest problem that they they they don't understand what romantic love is really all about. They don't just understand that there are two stages to it and that the fabulous, exciting emotional spark and electricity that you get during that first period must die. Research says six months to two years in. And after that, they don't understand that there, but during that time, enduring love does begin to form. You you have your experiences together, your memories, your good times and your bad times that you share. So people don't understand that. A lot of people go out seeking the high of that uh honeymoon stage, as we call it. And that's they don't understand that, and they don't understand enduring love. And the worst part of it really is, Curtis, that they don't understand how much work it is to nurture love for a lifetime, to be happy with each other, to create more joy every day.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

Well, let's talk about your book, uh, Relationships for Suckers. Talk about what readers can expect when they read it, where they can get it, and what's the message that you're so passionate to share in this book.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

Thank you, Curtis. Yes. Uh the book is available on Amazon in ebook and hard and soft cover. It's also, um I I myself just finished the uh the audio versions, and that's going to be out in a couple of weeks. In case people don't read, I know a lot of people don't read anymore. My my it's a guidebook. It's informational, but it's also full of a lot of my feeling, uh, my feelings, uh, caring about wanting other people to understand that if we could do it, they can do it too.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

Well, from your perspective, why are so many relationships struggling or failing in today's world?

SPEAKER_02 4:36

I I that's that's a good question. I think there are several things that get people let people get people let get in the way. The first of that is ego, the second of that is blame, and the third of that is defensiveness. I think the biggest problem is that people don't know how to communicate on a deep spiritual level with each other. They don't know how to connect that way, they're not willing to put the ego, the blame, the defensiveness aside, and and really, as the as the Bible said, cleave unto one another as one flesh when you marry or when you have a long-term relationship of some kind. Oh, well, we start well, we were lucky, first of all, to meet it all, but you have to start out on solid ground. You can't a relationship, no matter how strong the foundation is, doesn't work on quicksand. So you you start on solid ground. Solid ground means you have to have a lot of basic compatibilities, your interests, your goals, your spirituality, somewhat your and you can have you can do it without those, but it makes it much harder. Similar backgrounds, similar age, similar interests, certainly, and all of that. But the the basic foundation is fourfold: communication, focus, devotion, and flexibility. Communication, as I was saying, is the most it's the cornerstone of every successful fulfilling relationship. It's reaching each other on a soul-to-soul level. Focus is prioritizing each other above everyone and everything else, except when you have children, when you both prioritize them together. Devotion is a deeper spiritual level of commitment, and flexibility is a life skill that means when you when things don't go as planned, you you can change direction quickly. And all of those things require a lot of hard work, time, and energy. But but they are things that you can learn, and it's worth it to get to a really great relationship.

SPEAKER_00 7:02

So talk about one consistent pattern that you see in failing relationships or unhealthy relationships.

SPEAKER_02 7:09

I I think that there's too much availability today of entertainment and distractions. People do not spend enough time concentrating just on each other. I think that people what when that happens, you lose communication or your communication diverges, or you you or you it gets clogged, and and and they what when that happens, you kind of drift apart and then you you lose intimacy. And then you people start looking for their val validation elsewhere.

SPEAKER_00 7:46

We'll talk about how your understanding of love has evolved now versus when you were younger.

SPEAKER_02 7:54

Well, when I was young, when we first met, you know, we actually he was my first love and I was his first real love. So um, but so we we had all the electricity and the excitement and all that, and uh it was interesting because five months we married after four months, after we knew each other four months, and and then after five months, one morning I woke up and suddenly I felt like I was sleeping next to my brother, and I wasn't prepared for that. I had no idea how it worked. But you know, I just moved closer to him. We spooned and made love and and we just kept going. But a lot of people don't know how to do that. Um and and I had no idea that there were two stages to to romantic love and how it worked. So uh, but it just came naturally. We were very lucky because it just kind of came, it just flowed naturally for us.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

Well, uh a lot of people are searching for compatibility. So how important is compatibility versus commitment and effort?

SPEAKER_02 8:59

Well, the the that's what I was saying. That was what I said I said earlier, which is that you the there's the the ground that you put the foundation on, and then there's the foundation. And the the foundation, the ground that you put it on involves that compati basic compatibilities, a lot of basic compatibilities. The more compatibilities you share, the easier it is to connect and stay connected.

SPEAKER_00 9:26

Well, we know that communication plays a huge role in relationships. So talk about what role you believe it plays and what people get wrong about it.

SPEAKER_02 9:36

I I like I said before, actually, the communication, yes, communication is the cornerstone. And and when when you have that, you have a big portion of what you need. The role it plays is that you I mean you speak to people all the time, you have you have other relationships, friendships, and things like that. But when you want to when you live with someone 24-7, you really need to to put in all the time and effort and energy to to really connect on a deeper level. When you do that, eventually what you do is you become soulmates and you you can finish each other's sentences, you know what they're thinking, you're more considerate of their feelings, and they're more considerate of yours. There's a there's a deeper level of interaction and caring when you get your communication right and deep enough.

SPEAKER_00 10:30

With millions of people engaging with your content online, what's one piece of advice that you have put out there that that seems to resonate most with your your readers?

SPEAKER_02 10:42

That's that's very hard to say. I've answered like 27,000 questions about love, marriage, relationships, life, gardening, and cats. It's it's hard to say what resonates the most. I try to be caring when I answer people's questions. I try to be kind. I try to make it like I I often end it by saying, I wish you mausole and harmony or mausole and enlightenment on your journey, bubble, because I I feel like I am making some level of contact with them. And I don't want to just to answer, it's not like I'm a school teacher. I'm I'm a grandma, I'm a bubby, a Jewish Bubby is a Jewish grandmother. So I I like to think that when I connect with people and when they want to follow me and when they want to read my content every day, because I write more every day, um, that they're seeing me as a bubby, as a grandmother, as someone who uh uh is older and wiser, been there, done that, and has advice to give them an honest level. Um, sometimes I'm a little blunt, but usually I'm I'm just kind. So sometimes I will be blunt and kind in the same answer. Because I like to sometimes people need a kick in the tuhus. You know what a tuhus is? A tush, uh, uh a butt.

SPEAKER_00 12:02

Well, for someone out there who might be listening right now and they feel stuck or discouraged in their relationship, what's what is the first step you recommend they take?

SPEAKER_02 12:10

Okay, the first step, if if you're already in a relationship, the first step is I believe, take a weekend away. Put your computer and your cell phone in a drawer and and and turn off the television and connect with each other, speak to each other, touch each other physically and emotionally. You if you can go to a couple's retreat, you people don't connect enough. There are too many distractions. So I I really believe that that if you can really, really and listen harder by all means. When you when you you're not exactly sure what someone has just said to you, ask. Don't assume. People assume things like and you get you can be off on the completely wrong path. So I think that the most important thing is that people don't connect enough one-on-one. There's so much stimulation going on in our lives, there's so much to do, so many choices, so many responsibilities that we have, and and it grows all the time. There's just more and more and more. But you need to deepen your relationship with each other. And when you do that, you will be rewarded, I promise you.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Tell us about any upcoming projects that you're working on that listers need to be aware of.

SPEAKER_02 13:33

Oh, I'm I'm doing some speaking. I'm gonna speak at Columbia University on the 26th of this month, and I am working on a second book, which is really just gonna be pretty much a compendium of questions and answers because I have so many that I could. I do it did include like uh oh, 30, 30 answers, questions and answers is the last chapter of my book, but I'd like to give people more. And um, I of course I'd love to go on the morning shows and spread my word around the world. That's my hope.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

Well, so people can keep up with everything that you're up to, they'll watch your contact info.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

I have my website is our relationshipsforsuckers.com, and I'm always on Quara. So if you have questions or you want to look at my prior content, it's always available on Quara, and that's free. And um, the proceeds of my book are going to charity because my husband and I have done well enough in our lives not to need that extra money. And I don't want to coach because, although I'd love to coach, I my life is already too busy. We have a lot of we do a lot of charity work. We have our granddaughter, I have my garden and my cats, and it's just too much. So that's basically where we're at.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

We'll close us out with some final thoughts, maybe if that was something I forgot to talk about that you would like to touch on. Any final thoughts you have for the listeners?

SPEAKER_02 15:00

Yes, I I do. Um, I really feel so strongly that people deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy, and and people aren't so happy today. There's so much wrong with the world, there's so much going on with the world. People deserve to be happy and certainly happier than they are, and they deserve to be able, if you're if you're single and you're happy being single, that's great. You need to develop yourself as an individual because and never give that up. But if you want to connect with someone special, if you want to share your life with someone, you can do it, but be careful, don't trust too easily and use your words and listen hard.

SPEAKER_00 15:48

All right, ladies and gentlemen, our relationships for suckers.com. Share that website to everybody you know. Pick up Bell's book and follow Rate and Review, share this episode to everybody that you know. Also visit www.curveball337.com to keep up with all things living the dream. And if you haven't done so, please go sign up for the newsletter. Thank you for listening and supporting the show. And Belle, thank you for all that you do, you know, helping trying to help people be successful in their relationships. And thank you for joining me.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

My pleasure. Thank you, Curtis, for having me.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

For more information on the Living the Dream with Curveball Podcast, visit www.curveball337.com. Until next time, keep living the dream.