Finding Freedom: Melanie Cox's Path to Empowering Women Through Truth

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Living the Dream Podcast with Curveball. If you believe, you can achieve. Welcome to the Living the Dream with Curveball Podcast, a show where I interview guests that teach, motivate, and inspire. Today's guest is Melanie Cox. Melanie is an author, speaker, marriage business coach, and she is the true voice for women seeking healing, identity, and freedom from shaming and perfectionism. Melanie is the author of the book You Have to Know, and it is a journey from self-hatred to beloved identity, and it is a real raw and dedicated healing and hope. So we're going to be talking to Melanie about everything that she does and everything that she's up to and gonna be up to. So Melanie, thank you for reaching out and thank you for joining me.

SPEAKER_01 1:11

Uh thank you for having me, Curtis.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Why don't you start off by telling everybody a little bit about yourself?

SPEAKER_01 1:17

Um, I am the mommy of five miracle babies, been married for 31 years. Um my husband will probably tell you it's more like 94 years, but he that's not true. It's only 31. I am a CEO of a company that I'm kind of moving away from. I wrote a book, and man, I just feel my heart every day is just to see people free. So every time I think I'm gonna go into work today, I tell my husband, maybe not today, maybe tomorrow. And I just I have a deep, deep desire to see people live in the fullness of life that God wants them to live in.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

Well, I know your book is called You Have to Know. So so talk about your book. Tell us the deep, deeper meaning behind the title and what do women have to know right now?

SPEAKER_01 1:58

Yeah, it's everyone has to know. So I wrote the book. Uh I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. And I just remember sitting there after the diagnosis and I'm looking out the window. And have you ever had a rainy day and one drop kind of connects with another drop to another drop? And then all of a sudden it's this big water that just eventually just rolls down your car. And I just sat there for the longest time watching the raindrops. And I thought, okay, what do my kids need to know in order to live a full and healthy life here on earth? Because I'm not going to be around to teach them. And I started to think of all the things that the world was going to do to them, that my little girls would never be pretty enough or smart enough or rich enough or thin enough. And man, how do I let them know that they are enough just who they're created to be? And then maybe the sons would be in lack or, you know, in anxiety and all the things that they had to go through. So I started journaling. I started going through my Bible and I started journaling things that I had gone through and how I got out of them and how I saw a way through the wilderness. And I would start each chapter off with, oh, kids, like you have to know if you're in depression or you have to know if you're in anxiety. And I would tell them a way to get out of it. And I took it to my publicist and I said, I just need five copies. I need five copies for my babies. You know, it's just kind of a life manual from their mom. And she read it and she's like, Melanie, I have got to publish your book. And absolutely not, you cannot publish that. I could never walk down my street and get mail in my mailbox with my neighbors if people read the pages of those books. And Eric's like, you know, Melanie, it's a it's a powerful book. You should publish it. And I did, and it hit a number one on Amazon for a little over a month. And it's it's had some pretty good um feedback on it. So that's the title. You have to know because my kids had it to know, and now all you guys have to know too.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

Well, congratulations on that number one status.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

You also speak a lot about shame, perfectionalism, and religious striving. So talk about the biggest lies you believed about yourself during those seasons.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

You know, your biggest, your, your biggest thing that's gonna happen to you is Satan is always gonna try to tell you that you're just you're either not enough or you are too much. But however it comes around, you are broken. You are broken in the way you speak to other people, in your job, in the way you present yourself. You are broken and you're unfixable. And so the biggest thing that I learned is is I started to accept, you know, I have been through more fires than most women. I was told I could never have kids, and my mom was crazy. She was locked up in an institution, and I tried to commit suicide. And, you know, I had some date drugs in college. And the one thing I realized is your fires can either burn you or refine you. And I am created perfectly for my purpose on earth. And I've kind of grown to live into that identity, and it's like, oh, you are not broken. You are you are perfect. If you could only see your way through, if you feel stuck, if you'd only get up and take a step forward. There's such this good, rich, full life, no matter what your past is or your current situation, that I believe God has for all of us. But the problem is, is we don't feel worthy enough to reach out and grab it.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

Well, was there a defining moment that you realized that you were living for approval instead of living for God's love?

SPEAKER_01 5:17

My whole life, my whole life, I've got a mouth on me. You know, if I'm the one that walks out of a room when your husband goes, How could you say that? How could I say what? How could you have said that, Melanie? I don't I don't even know what I said, Eric. And then all of a sudden I just woke up one day and I said, you know what? I say it because it's true. I'm saying what other people are thinking, and I and I'm I'm not meaning to be rude or or aggressive. I'm saying it because I want people to be free. And then I just woke up and I told Eric one day, I said, you know, Eric, I just want to live my life for an audience of one. And if I can have my dad say, Oh, Melanie, good job. Like, you know, you really help that person through it or you help them see a completely different side of the coin, then I feel that that's good enough for me. I don't need everyone to like me. You know, I need the ones to love me to like me. And and I just I don't need the approval of the world.

SPEAKER_00 6:13

Well, one of the most powerful themes of your story is identity. So, how did your understanding of beloved transform your life and relationships?

SPEAKER_01 6:23

You know, um, when I was first married, because of my childhood, and I I didn't really grow up in any form of a household. You know, my mom was very absent, and my dad was at work a lot, and I just thought, oh, but when I get married, I'm gonna have babies. I'm gonna have kids. And all I could think about is one day I'm gonna be a mom and I'm gonna create my own family, and it's gonna be a family I've always wanted: babies, babies, babies, babies. So I get married, and you know, a month goes by, two months go by, a year go by, two years go by, and all of a sudden I go to the doctor and they say, you can never naturally have, and if you could have a kid, you could never hold a kid. And it was this such deep depression that I went and I put myself to bed for almost a year. And and my husband came home and he had to cut my hair away because it was so matted. And every day he'd come home from work and he'd pick me up and he'd open up the slider in our bedroom and he'd sit me down in his arms and he'd say, Melanie, ah, if only you would feel the sun on your face today and know that you are enough for me and that God loves you. And I remember just screaming, going, I'm not enough for you, Eric. You've got to leave me. Do you know? I can't have kids. I can never give you a full life. You, you, you need to leave. And every day for a year he did it. And then one day Eric comes home and he says, Melanie, can you think of something that you're thankful for? And I'm like, Well, I'm thankful for you because you married a lunatic, but you come home every day and and and get me out of bed. I'm thankful for you. And and what else are you thankful for, Melanie? Well, thankful for the fat dog that that fat dog hasn't left in a year. He he lays there all day long. I'm thankful for the fat dog. And well, what else are you thankful for? Thankful that I have a house. And I started to think of the things I'm thankful for. And it was such a light bulb. And I said, God, I picked up my Bible and I hadn't read it in a year. And I at this point I had hated God. I hated all of it. And I picked my Bible up and I said, if you have something to say, then you say it right now. And I flipped through the pages and I put my finger just randomly down. And it said, Night has been long, but morning is coming. And I remember thinking, wow, what a spoiled brat have I been. And I went out and and I went to church for the first time in, I don't know, a couple of years. And I walked into church and some random woman comes up to me and then she goes, Oh my gosh, do you know that that God said that you're gonna have a baby boy and that he's heard your prayers and it's a gift? And I just started sobbing and sobbing. And I said, That's just that cannot be true. I can't have kids. And sure enough, I was pregnant. And it kind of changed the trajectory of my life to be like, wait a second, miracles are real. God is real, wishing for things and hoping for things and walking in the truth of that light, oh, good things can happen. And it just kind of changed my whole trajectory of life to be like, I am not gonna focus on what's wrong. I'm not gonna focus on the lack, I'm not gonna lay in bed with my life. I'm gonna focus on the good, on what I have that that I can physically grasp onto. So I just look at life a little differently.

SPEAKER_00 9:13

Well, congratulations on that.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

Thank you. I had five miracle babies.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

Absolutely. And let's talk about uh one of your babies, Kylie. Uh, her running across the Thanksgiving table was a uh unforgettable moment. So, so how did that moment uh what did it teach you about how God sees us?

SPEAKER_01 9:31

That is my all-time uh favorite story. Little Kylie, my mom kept coming in and saying, Kylie, uh, something's wrong with that kid. No mom, she's perfect. Something's wrong with that kid. She's great. And this argument went on and on with my husband and my mom. And uh Kylie's five and she comes down at Thanksgiving and she's just stark naked. And I'm like, oh no. And she crawls up on the Thanksgiving table and she kicks the turkey down and she steps on the mashed potatoes. And then all of a sudden she gets halfway down the length of the table and she balls her little fist up and she starts crying and sobbing like the shame that she realized what she had just done. And her dad stands at the end of the table and he reaches his arms out and she just starts running to him and she does a flying leap. And my mom looks at my husband and says, Like I said, something is wrong with that kid. And Eric looks at my mom and said, Like I said, Jackie, she's perfect. And that chapter in the book and that little kid is in life, we are gonna run through messes that maybe we are self-created. And if you can look at yourself through your father's eyes on who your father sees you to be, and I'm talking about your heavenly father, you are perfect even in your mess. And God always stands up and reaches his arms out ready to catch you and give you a new identity. So it's it's one of those moments that makes you realize it doesn't matter what you've done or who you are, the snakes that you've made five years ago, the mistakes that you made three months, the mistake that you made 20 minutes ago. Your father stands up at all times with his arms outstretched, ready to catch you in the middle of the nest and give you a completely new identity. He is the God that redeems and restores. It's the nature of who he is.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

Absolutely. And I know that you've walked through inner, inner healing, personal inner healing, and now you men are mentor women in recovery. So, what are the practical first steps that someone needs to take who feels spiritually and emotionally stuck?

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Do you know the definition of stuck in the dictionary? And I love this. The definition of stuck is an inability to move. That's the definition. So, by definition, the second that you take one step forward, even the smallest step, the changing your mind to be grateful for something, the oh, I'm gonna go out and feel the sun on my face today, the positive reinforcement that you have to yourself, one small step forward in the direction, you are no longer stuck. So you've got to get up and start walking. And the problem with with people, and especially women, is we start to romance our suffering. You know, we we start to wake up in the morning and the first thing out of our mouth is like, you just don't know what I've been through, and oh, you don't know how hard it is, and you just don't know what I'm going through. And of course, we all go through stuff living in the world. We we all have moments that are that are awful. Yes, that is living in the world, but you cannot let yourself stay there and get stuck in that position because your whole life is then a waste. Your whole life is living out of purpose, your whole life is is living in the mundane, in the mud, in the stuck. You've got to start walking out of it. You've got to change your mind. You've got to you've got to be stronger than who you think you are.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Well, talk about how you manage to balance marriage, motherhood, ministry, and business without actually going crazy.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Oh my gosh, a ton of alcohol. I'm joking. Wine. I manage it with wine. Um, you know, God, I I love the Bible verse that that wait, just so everyone knows I'm joking, don't go grab a bottle of wine. That's a joke. Um, I love the Bible verse that when when Jesus leaves, he's like, look, peace I leave to you. Peace I leave. And and the reason why he left it is because we don't need it in heaven. We need it here on earth. So it becomes a moment that I have gotten really good at one training my mind when negative thoughts enter and negative feelings enter when I want to murder the kids and I want to wander away from home. I have to stop and think, okay, does this thought and this emotion lead me to life and life abundantly, or does it lead me to kill, steal, and destroy? Is this going to lead me down a fruitful path? Like, where does this path, where does this path end when I'm done with this, when this thought and this, this tyrant that I'm going on? And if it doesn't lead me to a better place in my life, then I stop and I'm really good at placing things in the foot of God because I will over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, I will counteract my negativity with something positive. And I start speaking life into my situation. And even if I can't see it, it's like it may be a business or it may be a kid. Thank you, Father God, that that kid's turning. Thank you that they're coming back. You thank you, Father God, that you see them, that you know me. Thank you, Father God, that that they will no longer live in this behavior, that they will live in the fullness of who you created them to be. So I start speaking life into things that are dead until they raise. And I and I don't give up. I don't give up on a kid or a situation or a marriage. I speak life, I speak life, I speak life. And eventually the life boomerangs back and it becomes what I'm speaking it to be. I never let death words come out of my mouth. You will never hear me say, Oh, I'm so anxious. I'm just, I'm so depressed. I'm, you know, I'm never gonna get a house. I'm never gonna have a car. This kid's never gonna come back. I do not speak that into my life ever. You be so careful of your words. You know, God, what you first thing in the Bible in the first couple of sentences in the beginning, and then it starts off with, and God said, There is so much power in your words. You need to watch what you're given the universe. Don't let it escape your mouth. And there, you know, there's like 175 Bible verses that tell you shut your mouth.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

Absolutely. Well, I know you and your husband and Eric speak on marriage and finances together. So talk about what that has taught you about uh trust and unity in marriage during stressful seasons.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

You know, one thing that we get really good at is our selfishness and our ability to hide things. And that is such a big one with finances and marriages is sometimes we want something and and so we sneak it. We'll buy it and we'll hide it and we'll, you know, oh, I hope my husband doesn't find out or I'm paying cash. And what you don't realize is when you start that behavior and when you're not on the same team, when you're not rooting for the same player, it creates this deception in your marriage that starts creeping in and taking over. You can't hide things in your marriage. You need to come together and and create this plan that you can both live with. And it's and it's you know, there's times I love shoes. Um, you know, man, if you're a woman, shoes are the only things that always fit my butt. Always. I can always put on a pair of shoes and they fit. So I absolutely love them in all forms. And sometimes it'll be an expensive shoe. And even if I can afford it, or even if I I closed a good business deal, I don't buy it without bringing it to my husband. My husband, you know, like Eric, I love these shoes, but you know, they're probably more than we should spend for shoes. And what do you think? Like, I'd like to buy them, you know, and he's always yes, or maybe sometimes it's in a financial hardship. It's like, ah, Melanie, it's not a good month for that. But we have an open sense of honesty on our spending and our finances and building a business together that you really need to have a healthy marriage.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

Well, I know many women have been hurt by religion and church, church culture. So talk about how faith communities can become a place of healing instead of uh, you know, performance and pressure.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

You know, um that is mind-boggling to me that people assign God's signatures to checks he never wrote. And if you have church hurt, the church, the church is a building. The church did not hurt you. God did not hurt you. People hurt you. And man, people are so, so, so flawed. I have hurt people unintentionally. I have said things and done things where people have come back and be like, why would you do that? And I'd be like, Do what? Like, I'm I'm not even aware of it. So we need to do a much better job at separating God and church and the fellowship of a place from the people of the church. You know, people are sinners. That's how we're created to be. You know, you never go, it's like you never hear ridiculous things where people are like, oh my gosh, I was, I was, you know, I was shopping in Target and the person was so rude to me when I checked out, and therefore I am target hurt and I'm never going back. I'm just, I'm not gonna go back to Target. You know, we can separate that. We can come home and be like, oh my gosh, the person working at Target was so rude. Like, I'm gonna call the manager. That's ridiculous. You know, but you don't stop going to Target. You cannot stop going to church because church is what feeds you. It's what it what's what grows you. Fellowship with other people is what nurtures you. You cannot be out of fellowship. We are not created to be out of fellowship with people. And if you've got some bad friends or there's some bad people, guess what? There's like what, 40 billion people on the planet? Find new ones. Find new ones that align with who you are. Find women who uplift you and encourage you and speak life into your situation. You know, don't be into marriages, don't have married couple friends where they're always putting you down. And, you know, find good people. There are a lot of great people out there. You know, don't stay with people who are toxic and bad and don't assign God's signature because that's not the nature and the heart of who God is. You know, God's not a gossiping, back talking, I'm gonna take you down a notch kind of God. It's just not who he is. People are.

SPEAKER_00 18:55

Well, for the woman listening right now who might feel too broken, too messy, or not enough. What would be your advice to her?

SPEAKER_01 19:04

Do you know that that is the world that is telling you that? And I'm gonna tell you something. Your God says, I think about you as many grains of all the sands and all the earth and all the world. And that is not in your lifetime. God says, I think about my daughter every moment of her life that much. Your skin color, your hair color, your eye color, you're too loud, you're too soft, your personality type, everything is hand designed on the potter of God's wheel. You are created perfectly to who you are meant to be. How can you possibly say that you're less than when you're created by God Himself? You are a masterpiece. We need to start looking at ourselves and our identity of who we actually are. And we can't put on labels and identities that the world and other people or our situations or our brokenness have put on us because that is not a full life on who on the life you're created to live. You, every single person on earth is made for greatness, is made for love, is made for purpose. You've got to be able to find that purpose in who you were created to be. And if you can't, stop operating under anything less than that identity. It that label was never meant for you. Do not put that coat on because it's not created for you. You are made perfectly.

SPEAKER_00 20:29

Tell us about any upcoming projects that you're working on that listeners need to be aware of.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

Um you know, I've got a whole bunch of fun projects. One that I'm super, super excited about is um this pastor family on Instagram. And I I love him and I don't even know him. He probably is 60 or 70. His name's Gail. And um, he's like, can we do five episodes together? He has an iHeartRadio show. Um, so I'm pretty excited about that. And I'm starting to minister in um chapels and and little churches and women's conferences all over. So I I occasionally post those to my YouTube where you'll find them on Instagram. Man, if you're local, come see me. I would love to have you. I'd love to pray for you. I'd love to speak life into you. And I have an upcoming Amazon Prime documentary on influential women. Pretty excited about that.

SPEAKER_00 21:16

Although tell us about it if you can.

SPEAKER_01 21:19

Well, you know what's so funny? I just won She Leads California. And in my acceptance speech, I get up and I'm like, man, if I'm leading, no one should be following me because I am literally held together by the grace of God in Spanx. So I don't know why I keep getting these. Um, but I it's called Influential Woman. They've got a network. I the guy's name, um, you know, I just got it yesterday, so I apologize for not knowing. But it's about women who lead with boldness, and I'm I'm excited about that, mostly because, you know, sometimes people will say, Oh, you, you know, you you've got such a mouth and and such a voice, and I love your boldness. And it it actually hurts my heart because I I should be everybody. It's it's my life is what everyone's life should look like. I am no, I am God's daughter. Everyone is God's daughter. All of you are God's daughter. So um I've got some fun things in the work, but man, everyone should have that. Everyone should have amazing things. Everyone's on track for greatness.

SPEAKER_00 22:23

Absolutely. Well, so everybody can keep up with everything that you're up to. Throw out your contact info.

SPEAKER_01 22:28

Yes, I love that. I'll put it in the show notes. You can find me on Instagram. It's Melanie Cox. Just my name, it's Melanie Cox. Um, my book is on Amazon. You have to know. And and I always like to offer this. Man, if you are a digital reader, if you will DM me, I will send you a free copy of the book. I'm I'm don't really want to make money on book. My heart is to really see women free and operate at the highest function that they can operate. I want everyone to be happy when you're here on earth because then I have another friend in heaven. How fun is that? So find me. DM me on Instagram. It's Melanie Cox. I'll send you a digital copy if you want the paper back on Amazon. Um, I have a YouTube, Melaniecox.org. You can find some upcoming events and things when whenever I get a kid to post it because I'm not talented enough, to be quite honest. You know, social media is hard. I'm 50. It's not easy. It's it changes every single second. I'm like, wait, what? What's up now? What? Huh? So as soon as I get my kids to post that, then then it'll be up on that site.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

Absolutely. We'll close us out with some final thoughts. Maybe if that was something I forgot to talk about that you would like to touch on, or any final thoughts you have for the listeners.

SPEAKER_01 23:38

Boy, I think I said it all. Go in the glory you were created to be. Look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are perfect. You are so amazing and so beautiful. And man, really start walking to the life that you're designed to have. Don't settle. You know, if I could give one one person advice, stop settling. Stop living in the mundane, in the gray. That's not the life. You know, there's so much sun out there. Stop living in the shade of someone else and buried under a tree where you don't feel the sunlight on your face. Don't live your life like that. Life is amazing, but you've got to walk towards that life. You've you've got to see it for what it is, and you've got to you've got to work towards it. You know, our a great life is not often handed to us on a silver platter. Man, I wish it was. How easy would that be? I'd love to wake up to a grand buffet, but it but you're not. You gotta walk up and you gotta get it. You gotta fill your own plate, but it's there for everybody, not just for some.

SPEAKER_00 24:34

Absolutely, ladies and gentlemen, and uh to keep up with everything that Melanie's up to, you know, go purchase that book, check, check out that uh documentary, and visit Melaniecox.org and follow rate review, share this episode to as many people as possible. Also share this website and show to everybody you know. The website is www.curveball337.com. If you haven't done so, please go sign up for the newsletter. You can leave us voicemail on the site, and we might even actually play on the show. So please go check out that site and thank you for listening and supporting the show. And Melanie, thank you for all that you do, and thank you for joining me.

SPEAKER_01 25:18

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_00 25:20

For more information on the Living the Dream with Curveball Podcast, visit www.curveball337.com. Until next time, keep living the dream.