Healing Hearts: Riana Milne's Mission to Transform Trauma into Triumph

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Living the Dream podcast with Curve B. If you believe, you can achieve Welcome to the Living the Dream with Kirby. So Real, thank you for joining me.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

Hi Curtis, how are you? Thank you so much for having me today.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

I am pretty good and glad to have you. Why don't you start off by telling everybody a little bit about yourself?

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Oh, it's a long journey. Um, I've been a personal life coach for about 40 years, uh, helping people to reach their dreams and goals, starting with being a model and talent agency and having a school in Erie, Pennsylvania. So I talked small town people who had big city dreams and made that happen for them. Um, so that was a lot of coaching and education, but I always wanted to be a psychotherapist. Um, that started when I was a teenager, and sadly I lost my very best childhood friend to a drunk driver. And I asked my mom if I could see a therapist to deal with the loss and the grief. And back then it was a stigma to go to therapy. And she said, no one in this family will ever go to a therapist. And I said, then I will grow up to become one. So that's how the dream started at age 16. Um, and uh to help heal my grief, I I studied, I read, uh, I did a lot of reading of like Tony Robbins and Wayne Dyer, uh, reading mindset, spiritual books, uh, like from the Dalai Lama and the philosophy of a course in miracles. So a lot of spiritual healing. And then at 26, I opened the Model and Talent Agency, and I also taught in my young 20s at uh Gannon University in Erie. So I was teaching a lot of mindset work from my 20s, which became my system called the Mindset for Success. And it worked beautifully with my talent. And then when I was able to, I raised two daughters. I went back for a triple master's in clinical and counseling psychology, graduated year 2000, and opened up my private practice called Therapy by the Sea. Um, so I've been doing therapy work since uh over 26 years now, and uh became a certified life dating relationship coach and mindset coach, got certified in that as well in 29 and 2010. And um I actually had a personal love trauma that led me to the psychological books because in a triple masters I still never even heard the term childhood trauma. And I didn't understand why my partner did what he did. And he even said to me, I don't know what's the matter with me. Um, I lose everything that I love. And I said, I don't know either, but I gotta figure it out because I knew that was the basis of my healing. And that's when I uncovered the huge impact of how childhood trauma impacts you, especially in love relationships. Um, so from that research, I started writing what became my number one best-selling book on Amazon called Love Beyond Your Dreams, uh, Break Free Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve. And uh I got up to 400 pages. I'm like, oh my gosh, I gotta stop. And I started writing uh notebooks for singles and couples, and then I knew that was going to be my coaching program, helping people who've been through love trauma to heal and then go out and date again to find emotionally healthy, evolved, and conscious love partners and have wonderful relationships. So I've been doing this work a very long time and I love it. And I guess my latest project is very exciting. It's called Rihanna AI at lovecoachonline.com. And that is an avatar that looks like me, sounds like me, and is trained in over 26 years of clinical expertise as well as my coaching expertise. So this way, 24-7 people around the globe can get trauma recovery healing. And uh she speaks in over 175 languages. So where I couldn't help people before, Curtis, now I can help people around the world on their schedule anytime they would want it. So it's a very exciting new tool for me that I just launched on Valentine's Day.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

And now you're you're world worldwide recognized. So congratulations on that.

SPEAKER_01 5:40

Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I've been very uh honored to be chosen as one of the top 100 successful women in the world in 2021 by the Global Trade Chamber, featured in Forbes magazine, uh Disrupt Forbes, Wealth Insider, Influencer Daily, New York Weekly magazine, uh, Her Forward. There's a lot of different media I've been a part of. And during the 911 tragedy, I was brought on the news stations in South New Jersey, where I grew up in Philly and South Jersey, and I was there trying to talk about the stages of trauma and healing after the 9-11 tragedy that happened in our country. So everyone was shook up that day, me included, you know. But there I was asked last minute, can you come on the news and talk about healing trauma? I said, yes, I'll be there. And um, so I've been on the news stations as well around that time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:44

Well, I know you say that 100% of people have some some form of childhood trauma. So talk about what what forms of trauma that you see that shows up in adulthood.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

Sure, sure. Well, yes, uh, when I did my work, I came out in 2012 with a childhood trauma checklist based on the different populations I was working with as a psychotherapist. So I was working in the schools as an emotional uh counselor that helped all the emotionally upset kids. That's called a SAC, SAC, student assistance counselor. I did that from grades kindergarten all the way through college. Then I worked in a mental health ward of a hospital with kids age five through 19. So these were pretty upset children who were suicidal or self-mutilating, cutting on drugs, runaways coming from foster care. Then I worked with women from the prison system who ended up there due to their drug and alcohol use. I am a drug and alcohol counselor as well. And then I had a private practice. So I had all these different populations, and I found no matter their age, their culture, their race, their background, their economic status, they all had these top 10 traumas. So I put that together. And for our listeners, they can get that for free on my website, Rihanna Milne.com, which is my name, um, and just go under quizzes. And there's uh the childhood trauma checklist that you can take if you can't write this down. But I'll go over the top 10 uh most common traumas. There are more, but these are the ones that I came up with, and I still see how many years later, 14 years later, these are still the top 10 traumas that most people have experienced. A few of these on the list. So the first one is um any drugs or alcohol in the home or in the family system, even if grandma and grandpa was drinking. Um, so drugs and alcohol or any addiction. So, you know, that could be, you know, sex or uh gambling addiction, porn addiction. If there's a sexual addiction, that means chronic cheating. Um, food, eating, hoarding, spending, gambling. You know, there's like 12 addictions. So was there any addictions in the family? The second one is any verbal messaging. So, what did the child hear when they were growing up? Did they hear I love you, I'm proud of you, or did they hear more verbal put downs like, change your outfit, you look fat in that, or I'm not sending you to college, why should I waste my money? Things like this that kids hear that really impact their ego and sense of self. It also includes how did the parents work out problems? Were they yelling and screaming at each other and yelling at the kids? Um, because this tends to be the norms that people will grow up with and do. Um, so how did you handle the verbal messaging? Uh, some kids will lash out and try to defend mom if your dad is yelling at mom. Some kids will shut down, go to their rooms, shut the door, and put on headphones, want to deal with it. So, however, they handled it as kids as a survival mechanism is how they normally then would handle it as an adult. Okay, number three is emotional abuse or neglect. Number four is any physical abuse or punishment, rape or molestation. And again, these things could have happened inside or outside of the home. So at school, with a coach, in the community. So this is not just family issues, this is the whole childhood experience. Then number five is around abandonment. There's two types faults and no fault experien abandonment. So no fault means a parent might have happened to die early or they were deployed for war and had to leave the home. Another example would be a parent that supports the family but is largely away from the home. And I didn't even think I had that trauma until I thought about it. I'm like, I remember saying to my mom, like, where's dad? When's dad coming home? She goes, Well, I don't know where he is. I'm like, Well, is he okay? You know, because we didn't know where he was. Well, years later, we get a letter from Ronald Reagan and William Casey, who was head of the FBI at the time. My dad was FBI and CIA under several presidents. So we didn't know that. We knew he was a military, a colonel in the Air Force, but we didn't know he was special services as well. But that's how he supported the family. Um, then there's no fault abandonment. Um, that was no fault. The fault abandonment is if you never know your child, if you are with your child with the family is together, you have a breakup, you leave, you barely see the child. And a third example would be the parent may be in the home, but they're disengaged. Instead, they're on their computers or phones watching football. I can't tell you from the school how many kids would say to me on the week, you know, before the weekend, but Miss Rihanna, I don't want to go to my dad's, all he does is drink beer and watch football, and I'm left alone in my room. You know, these kinds of things come out, and the kids really feel that pain of neglect. Um, so that's a fault abandonment. Okay, the next one is if you're adopted or part of the foster care system. Number seven, most people can relate to. Um it's called personal trauma. So, did you ever feel different in any way? Um, you might have been a chubby child growing up or thin, skinny, and gawky. That was me, and I was called a nerd at the middle school. Um, you might have been the only African-American student in an all-Caucasian school. You might have been coming out as gay or lesbian, and your peers or family rejected you. So a lot of people can relate to just feeling different or not good enough or not fitting in. This is trauma number seven. Number eight is around the sibling. Uh, there's three scenarios here. Your sibling could have been born with a medical issue, and that commanded more of moms and dads' time. So you kind of felt left off to the side. Or most common, your sibling was looked at as the golden child, the favored one, like the star athlete, or more handsome, or more beautiful, or the better student, and you're always compared to, well, why aren't you like your brother Jack? You know, things like this, or your sister and her grades, whatever, and you're always being compared and not feeling good enough. And the other third scenario is your sibling bullied you a lot. So there's three around siblings. Number nine um actually now has two traumas. Number 11, I had to bring down when I first made this list in 2012. Number 11 was not uh that heard of much, and that's called community trauma. But community trauma now is one of our top ones. That's an example is the COVID epidemic that impacted our communities, our world, our incomes. Uh, there's a lot of fear around it. Also, um, our Mother Nature events, floods, fires, hurricanes, tornadoes, fires, big wildfires, these all impact the community. So that's a community trauma. And that trauma would impact the family, which is the other part. Number nine is family trauma. So not only those incidences, but if you grew up in an area that was not safe and you felt unsafe, you grew up with poverty, or your parents were always fighting around money, or if you're a military child, you are moving a lot. So you're always the new kid in school because a lot of our military in the U.S. have to move every two to four years. Um, if a parent was incarcerated, that would fall under family trauma. Then the last one, number 10, is any mental health issues in mom or dad. The two most difficult for children to navigate is bipolar personality and borderline. Now, borderline, I think, is the hardest. It's when you're good, you're great, and when you're bad, you're horrid. And the child never knows who they're going to walk into when they come home from school. You know, is mom going to be in a good mood today, or is dad gonna be yelling at me the moment I open the door? Um, they can be wonderful, but it leaves this child constantly anxious and walking on eggshells. They would explode at the littlest thing that nobody else would get upset at. So it's a very hard personality to be in love with, as well as have a parent that has borderline personality disorder. Bipolar is manic depressive. Most people think manic is that high and happy phase. Well, it is, but it is often followed by the depression. So here's an example. Mom goes out on a shopping spree, there's a sale, and she's so thrilled she buys $3,000 worth of shoes and purses, and then the next three to four months she's depressed because she can't pay the bills. So it's always a high versus by a long low period of time. So that is bipolar. So those are the top 10 traumas. Curtis, did you recognize any that you might have had?

SPEAKER_00 17:53

Uh not necessarily that I can say about it, but I I can tell in uh in a real life experience how these traumas can affect people.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

Did you recognize any that you might have had?

SPEAKER_00 18:08

Uh no, not that I not did I really know of. Okay, most of the I guess uh you know, I had a stepdad, so maybe you know, my dad uh leaving might be one day.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

Yeah, yeah. That's a a form of abandonment. If you guys were really close, that's hard on a child. Um, definitely. Yeah, most of the hosts can pick up, you know, when I'm on shows that they can pick up one or two or three, you know, things that they might have gone through as kids. Um I always say you can't change what you don't know or understand. So this is the first thing that I do with my clients who have gone through love trauma. We have to analyze what did you go through as a child. And it's not about blame or shame. We're not looking to blame our parents and we're not looking to shame you. You know, it's not our fault. Childhood trauma is never our fault. It's just we are, you know, just part of our environment. There's not much you can do as a child. And as children, we have our little ways of survival. So some kids become funny in school and you know, find love by being the class clown and having kids laugh and joke with him, you know, when home life is sad or difficult. Uh, I have a lot of women very successful in business but struggle in love. And they found love by being a teacher's pet or doing very well with their grades. Their grades were good, there was less drama in the house, you know, or that was the time they could get compliments by doing well in school.

SPEAKER_00 19:49

Well, that was gonna be my next question. Uh, what why do you feel like successful people struggle in uh love?

SPEAKER_01 19:57

Well, not all do, but many of my clients do. They're successful in business, struggle in love, and they can't figure out why. So that's why they turn to me. They've been through several love traumas. So they may, you know, attract someone who's narcissistic or love bombing them. And um, you know, first love bombing feels good. You know, it's like, wow, you get all this attention, you get all these gifts, and then soon we call it the 90-day rule, around the 90-day period or four months to 10 months when the relationship gets exclusive, or there's an engagement, marriage, child moving in together when there's a transition and it becomes more serious, then some of these other dark side personality traits come out. So that's that's what happens with love bombing. You know, soon there's jealousy, then there's control, and then there's questioning and doubt, and now this you're walking on eggshells, you know. Um, so love bombing is a red flag, and you really have to, they often like a really fast marriage as well. So you have to be really cautious with someone who's rushing you into a fast relationship, engagement, or marriage, or to move in with you. These are things you have to be cautious of. Um, some things that do come out in uh the love relationship when childhood trauma is not healed, and that the people are like, okay, so where does jealousy come from? Well, jealousy is a lack of trust and self-confidence. So you hold on too tight, you feel not good enough, you try to control your partner. So this is from childhood trauma number two, your verbal messaging, and trauma seven, not feeling good enough. If you had abandonment issues, you can tend to be clingy or anxious when your partner is gone or seeking attention from others. If let's say a man is, you know, wants intimacy with his woman and she says, sorry, babe, not tonight, I'm tired, and he gets upset or takes offense, then he might go out the next day and be flirtatious with women to give him attention. This is from abandonment issues. A lot of people have people pleasing, they can't say no, they overdo for others, and then if you feel they don't appreciate it enough, you get angry and resentful. But they do the people pleasing to raise their self-esteem. Uh, this I see a lot in women. Um, perfectionism is another side result, or blaming behavior, um, someone that can't apologize. Uh, this is more on the scale of sociopathy, using another for pleasure, profit, or lifestyle advancement. And also you blame your partner for every little hiccup that happens in the relationship. Um, and you won't apologize for your part. They have a really hard time apologizing. That's the narcissist. So the narcissist, sociopath, they have like anywhere from eight to ten traumas and with severity levels of eight to ten. Um, I always assess what is well, how bad was that for you? You know. Someone says, Oh, yeah, I was physically hit. I said, Well, on a scale from one to ten, how bad was that for you? And they say, Well, like a two. I remember getting hit really bad twice, you know. But a kid that comes home to an alcoholic father who might be hit every day or every other day, that's a 10, right? So we have to assess the severity of the traumas that they went through. Um, people that are exposed to a lot of anger, yelling, and acting out, either yell themselves or they shut down and become passive-aggressive. So when I have a single person looking for love, we have to analyze, you know, what did they go through as a child and a teenager? What was their love experiences like, their first few relationships? Did they go through love trauma? What made them choose that partner? And then we heal all that, and then part B of our coaching program is teaching them what is emotionally healthy, evolved, and conscious love and how to find that by dating more successfully. I always say there's an art and psychology to dating successfully.

SPEAKER_00 24:32

Speaking of that, how can you tell uh what uh uh a toxic relationship versus a relationship just going through difficult seasons? What are the signs?

SPEAKER_01 24:43

Okay, well, you know, no relationship's a hundred percent perfect. Um, there's two different people with two different sets of feelings, experiences, and opinions. Um, I've seen a lot of volatility lately between take the COVID shot or not, and the other big fight was which president to vote for. Um, so you know, this is a lot of uh things that people are breaking up over. Um, but a toxic relationship is one that makes you feel physically sick. You get headaches, you can't sleep, your nervous wreck, your high anxiety, you have stomach aches, um, you know, you're afraid of that person, you don't feel safe. So that's a toxic relationship. An emotionally healthy relationship is well, I can, if you'd like, from my book, I can tell you the five Fs of a healthy relationship.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

Yeah, that'll be great.

SPEAKER_01 25:41

All right, so our people know, our listeners are aware. And this is from one page in Love Beyond Your Dreams, page 294. Um, this is what the emotionally healthy relationship looks like. First of all, there's a solid foundation, there's the ability to trust not only yourself, but trust the other person. You have confidence in who you are as an individual, you love who you are, you're proud of yourself, your life, and so is your partner. So you also share moral values. That is really important, that foundation. The second F is flexibility. You're both open-minded, you're caring, you're understanding, and you're emotionally open, and you allow loving conversations. You're okay if you voted for President A and your partner voted for President B, and you don't fight over this. You allow them to have their vote. That's why voting is done in private, you know, and you don't have to have fights around this. The third F is fidelity, and under that category is honesty, loyalty, and integrity. Now I describe integrity as doing the right things when nobody is looking. The next F is friendship. Uh, they've got to be like your best friend, your buddy. You respect them, you can rely on them, you're kind to each other. They're really like your best friend, your best buddy. And the other F is fun. You have to have fun, common interests, hobbies, laugh a lot, share the activities that you love. Now, some of the other things that are on this page are intimacy. It's a balance of love and deep friendship and daily affection, hugs, a kiss, hello, goodbye, um, saying I love you often, and keeping the romance alive in your relationship. Another important one is compromise. You can negotiate through differences, you are willing and able to apologize quickly, and you offer forgiveness, and you don't keep bringing up the past to punish or invoke blame. Um, you are two balanced individuals. That means both partners have a healthy self-esteem, they have healthy boundaries, they live a life of purpose, they like their work, they have great gratitude in life if they're parents, they're good parents, and have a good relationship with their children before you start dating. And then spirituality, Curtis, believe it or not, was the number one quality that a couple should share to be able to stay together over uh a long lifetime. And that's a belief and faith in something greater than themselves that gives them that guidance and demands accountability of being a good person. So that's what the emotionally healthy, evolved, and conscious relationship looks like.

SPEAKER_00 28:39

All right. Well, we're almost out of time. So talk to the listeners about your books and tell them, tell them about uh any upcoming projects you're working on.

SPEAKER_01 28:49

Sure, sure. Well, live beyond your dreams is a sister book to Love Beyond Your Dreams. Um, and Live is all about the mindset for success. And you've got to have one before you can have the other. In other words, you need both. They're sister books. It's Live Beyond Your Dreams from fear and doubt to personal power, purpose, and success. And the best relationships are two emotionally healthy people who love their life, and together they're a power couple, and that's what you're looking for. So many of my clients that come to me, we need to clean up their past, uh, get their goals aligned and what is their goals and dreams, and get them going. Then they go out to date. Um, and you know, so there's a checklist also under quizzes at Rihanna Milne.com called Are You Really Ready for a Relationship? So if you're single, you should do that one. And if you're in a coupled relationship and you're worried, do we have too many red flags? There is a free red flag uh couple assessment. So do that one as well. And the childhood trauma checklist is there. Uh, do check out lovecoachonline.com and chat with Rihanna AI. It looks like me, it sounds like me, and it is trained in all my coaching and mindset material. It's only five dollars for three days of coaching, so it's an amazing deal. Um, everyone says, oh my God, I can't believe this is so cool. It seems like I'm really in a coaching session because it's me in Zoom. It looks like me, it sounds like me. Um, so you can talk to it about anything, you know, anxiety, depression, goals, dreams, going through a breakup, how do I meet someone special, anything that's on your mind, um, go for it. You've got 18 minutes a day over three days, and I think you'll really, really love it. And you can speak to it in any language. So, you know, feel free to speak your native language there, and she will speak it right back to you. Um, what else am I doing? Oh my gosh, I'm always learning AI and bringing new tools and information to my clients and you know, enjoy marketing my business. Um, I'm happily engaged. I have two daughters and six grandchildren. So that's a little bit more about me. And I am a disco queen. Um, I also travel the world. I am also a travel agent and do that part-time for fun since I love traveling so much. So that's a little bit about me. And uh, of course, for our listeners, if they need any help, uh reach out to me at RihannaMilln.com. Uh, we have a super special going on for the Life and Love Transformation Discovery session where we do this checklist together and we come up with a blueprint for uh your goals and dreams and get you started on that.

SPEAKER_00 31:40

Well, congratulations on the engagement and the travel agent. Uh, sounds like you're just doing a lot. So, you guys uh make sure you go check out uh RihannaMill.com and also that neat AI tool that she's got there as well. And check out her books and follow the rate review, share this episode to as many people as possible. Also, to keep up with all things live in the dream, please visit www.curveball337.com. Share the website and the show to everybody that you know. Thank you for listening and supporting the show. And Rihanna, thank you for all that you do in many spaces. And thank you for joining me.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

Thank you, Curtis, for having me. It's really nice chatting with you, and I hope we gave some valuable information to our listeners today.

SPEAKER_00 32:29

For more information on the Living the Dream with Curveball Podcast, visit www.curveball337.com. Until next time, keep living the dream.